From Dissonance to Resonance

Suzuki’s words remind us of an inherent truth: we are not separate from the world around us, yet disconnection often obscures this awareness. This essay explores how we can rediscover that connection through resonance, transforming feelings of isolation into belonging and ease.

We are departing from our usual newsletter format because this is a hefty topic. We will resume our typical newsletter in February.

Why so hefty? We are exploring a dynamic that is tangibly felt but not often discussed. This is an attempt to describe something in words that is best understood through experience.

Why are we trying to describe this? Because if someone does not know this exists or is possible, how would they know to either look for it in themselves or to pursue it.

We’ll talk about this from the perspective of a trauma survivor but this applies to people who do not identify that way too.

As we explore resonance today, I invite you to consider how it might not only transform your own life but also ripple outward to support the broader changes we all long to see.

What is Resonance?

Resonance is a state of harmonious connection and belonging, where boundaries act as helpful filters, inner and outer experiences align, and a sense of security, clarity, and interconnectedness emerges.

Here is a musical example of resonance (called consonance in music theory) and dissonance. After you listen to the tones, imagine how life feels when it is continuously resonant, continuously dissonant, or moving back and forth between the two. How you feel hearing these tones will inform your read through of this essay. Dissonance and resonance are all about FEELING, though thoughts and behaviors emerge from there.

Just as the interplay of sound creates harmony or tension, our internal and external experiences shape how we move through the world. Resonance and dissonance exist not only in music but also in our emotions, relationships, and sense of self.

Resonance is:

• A Felt Sense of Harmony: Resonance is the experience of alignment with people, your environment, and the world around you. It feels like “rightness,” “flow,” or ease, where your body and mind are in sync, creating a sense of natural belonging. When disharmony comes it gently informs you rather than frightening you into reactivity.

• Balanced and Flexible Boundaries: In resonance, boundaries feel supportive and adaptable—they allow meaningful connection while maintaining a secure sense of self. You feel open enough to engage but grounded enough to stay centered, with clear yet permeable edges. I am on my lily pad and you are on your lily pad, connected but distinct, enjoying each other's company.

• A Sense of Security and Trust: Resonance brings a calm, settled feeling, where you feel safe enough to engage with the world without constant vigilance. You don’t feel the need to see or control everything around you, trusting that life will unfold as you tend to your part of the responsibilities.

• Living in Connection: Resonance feels like being “with” the world, not apart from it. This sense of connection feels like a collaboration with life where you see yourself in others and vice versa. Even when you’re alone, you feel deeply connected to the people and world around you, knowing you are an integral part of the greater whole.

While resonance is deeply personal, it also has the power to ripple outward, supporting broader systemic and cultural changes by nurturing healthier, more connected individuals.

Why is Resonance Important?

Resonance is important because, frankly, it feels really good. People often come to therapy with too much of the opposite—dissonance…they feel bad. No emotions themselves are bad and can all exist within resonance. Dissonance describes something separate from emotions that makes us feel yucky.

The therapeutic journey is often moving from unbalanced dissonance to more resonance.

Dissonance is:

• A Sense of Isolation and Threat:
  Dissonance creates a pervasive feeling of being unsafe and disconnected from others and the world. The world feels hostile, as though people and circumstances exist to harm rather than help, even when no immediate danger is present. We want to feel dissonance when real danger is present. Dissonance serves a purpose when it alerts us to real danger, but trauma distorts this response, making it misfire in safe situations.

• Distorted Perception and Emotional Signals:
  Trauma-related dissonance skews feelings, making them unreliable indicators of safety or risk. This leads to misinterpreting safe situations as threatening and can result in overly rigid or blurred boundaries, further complicating connection and trust.

• Exhaustion and Emotional Overload:
  Dissonance makes people scan the environment constantly or the opposite, attempt to shut it out entirely. Both Hypervigilance and avoidance drain energy, leaving individuals feeling depleted and overwhelmed by even simple tasks. Triggers from one situation often spill over into others, amplifying anxiety and fear across multiple areas of life. This can feel either like having had way too much caffeine or like you took a sedative.

• Struggles with Receiving Help and Love:
  Dissonance makes it difficult to accept help or form meaningful relationships. When people don’t meet “perfect” expectations, help and bids for connection often intensify feelings of “otherness” and disconnection, reinforcing cycles of mistrust and disappointment. When help or attempted connection doesn’t provide immediate relief, it can evoke feelings of flatness, frustration, anger, or defeat.

Trauma survivor or not, moving from overactive dissonance into resonance requires a holistic approach. This may involve changes to one’s environment, routines, thoughts, relationships with emotions, people, and overall perceptions. When we develop a tendency to return to resonance because we expect it, dissonance transforms into a helpful ally—it signals when something isn’t right, from mild discomfort to real danger.

James’ Story

To explore this, let’s consider the experiences of James, a trauma survivor who has spent much of his life feeling alone, anxious, and disconnected.

Like many individuals living with the legacy of trauma, James often experiences a pervasive sense of “unsafety.” This feeling doesn’t arise solely from real dangers; instead, it stems largely from James’ perception that most situations cannot be trusted.

His Shrinking World

When someone lives with chronic dissonance, their world begins to shrink.

James longs for closeness but finds himself triggered by attempts at intimacy. He craves rescue but struggles to trust those who offer help. He fantasizes about perfect friendships or romantic relationships, only to end up feeling disappointed and even more alienated.

This cycle of disappointment sets off a feedback loop—sometimes called “kindling”—where triggers in one scenario spill over into others, amplifying anxiety and fear across every aspect of life.

Relationships are Hard with No Self

Occasionally, James latches onto a “safe” person, feeling compelled to remain in their presence constantly. In these moments, he adopts that person’s point of view and activities, almost as if borrowing their identity to feel secure.

This dynamic highlights James’ struggle with boundaries leaving him either disconnected from others or enmeshed without a clear sense of self. At times, his boundaries are so rigid that he shuts people out entirely; other times, they are so porous that he felt consumed by others’ emotions and opinions. This pattern left him feeling disconnected or overwhelmed, making meaningful relationships seem out of reach.

Fear Makes You Hide

This pattern is not James’ fault—it is a painful consequence of having lived in prolonged danger.

At the core of these experiences lies a full-body, mind-encompassing state of fear. When James doesn’t feel seen, respected, supported, or valued, the entire world takes on a threatening tone—even in the absence of any immediate danger.

He feels “othered” by the world, as though every person and circumstance exists to harm rather than help—except for the occasional “safe” person who inevitably disappoints him in the end.

Emerging from Dissonance

Before beginning his healing journey, James often found himself barely able to navigate simple social situations. He recalls trying to order a coffee at a counter-service café, forcing the words out in a shaky voice while avoiding eye contact.

Even a kind barista felt like a threat. Rationally, James knew this person meant no harm, but emotionally, he felt utterly exposed and vulnerable. To recover from such encounters, he would retreat into long stretches of solitude and disengagement. Yet, this withdrawal brought little relief, as it was accompanied by a deep sense of painful aloneness.

The Grace of Curiosity

During this period, James began searching for answers, reading widely—exploring spiritual teachings, body-centered practices, and philosophies from around the world. Deep down, even in his most anxious moments, James sensed that his perceptions were shaped by the wounds of his past and might not reflect reality.

The concept of resonance—or the possibility that the dissonance he felt so strongly might be illusory—touched something within him. Yet, the idea of dissolving the dissonance that had defined his identity for so long felt terrifying and raw.

Difficulty at the Beginning

Harmful environments had taught him to keep his guard up, and moments of calm were fleeting. When he did let his guard down, he would often feel a surge of anxiety, as though dropping his constant vigilance even for a moment was dangerous.

Still, James continued to entertain the notion that his feelings of dissonance might not reflect an ultimate truth. Slowly, something remarkable began to happen—he started experiencing small moments of pleasurable resonance with himself, others, and the world around him.

Tiny Breakthroughs

He had a comfortable conversation with a stranger on the bus—a moment that felt ordinary yet remarkable, given his past struggles with trust and connection.

He felt a warm welling of gratitude for having a roof over his head and for surviving the hardships of his past, even though life wasn’t perfect.

For the first time, he recognized and truly felt the strengths he had carried “back then” and the new ones he had cultivated in the present.

As James began to move into resonance, his life felt less like a chaotic clash of notes and more like a harmonious melody.

Working with a Therapist

During his journey, James started working with a therapist. Though the process was rocky at first, he slowly began to trust that the therapist genuinely wanted to know what did and didn’t work for him. Over time, James realized that his therapist couldn’t anticipate all his needs or read his mind—but they were more than willing to work with him to uncover what truly helped him reach his goals. This collaborative process became a critical step in James’ ability to trust and co-create a path toward healing—it was a laboratory for experimentation that translated into his day to day interactions.

The Wisdom of the Small

A memorable breakthrough occurred during one session. James had been quietly simmering, feeling a growing sense of rage as the therapist kept closing their eyes and looking down while he spoke. Mustering the courage to voice his feelings, James admitted he was experiencing a lot of shame and asked, somewhat defensively, why they kept doing that. To his surprise, the therapist calmly disclosed that their eyes were burning due to allergies.

This seemingly insignificant moment was like a thousand lightbulbs going off in James’ mind. He realized how quickly his assumptions had spiraled into a story of rejection and judgment. Almost overnight, his social triggers began to dissolve as he found it much easier to assume positive intent unless proven otherwise. This single interaction became a profound turning point, reshaping how he related to others and the world.

Gathering Together

It took many years of dedication, but one day, something clicked. It felt like a cart settling perfectly into the grooves of a track. It wasn’t any single realization or practice that created this shift. Instead, it was the culmination of everything James had been doing—each small effort contributing to what felt like one miracle unfolding into many. Over time, his daily experiences began to reflect ease, trust, and a newfound sense of possibility.

Release into Resonance

As James continued to practice what he learned in therapy and explore moments of resonance, these small shifts began to accumulate, leading to big change.

James began experiencing more and more moments of resonance. The dissonance that once kept him separate from others and from life itself shifted, becoming a helpful internal dashboard—alerting him only when he truly needed to assess a situation for appropriateness or danger.

Returning of the Light

As his hypervigilance and avoidance fell away, James found his energy returning. He felt like he had a true sense of self—one he could continuously get to know and delight in. Instead of reacting out of fear and avoidance, he began making choices based on his values, bringing a sense of intentionality and purpose to his life.

As he began living a more value driven life, dissonance became a meaningful tension that, like music, resolved into harmonious resonance.

Life started to feel like a co-creative process with the world, an epic art project rather than a string of dreary days to endure.

Flow of Gratitude and Humility

As James began to trust himself and the world, gratitude became a natural part of his daily rhythm, flowing effortlessly. Words of praise and appreciation for himself and others poured forth like an abundant spring. He began to feel comfortable in groups and, for the first time, recognized that he was building a real community that felt like home to him.

James could rely on his feelings of dissonance to let him know that something was “off” or might need his attention.

As his life blossomed into a radiant garden, James held space for the complexities of the world—acknowledging his privilege, giving back to his community, and holding vigils for those stuck in difficult situations.

From Dissonance to Resonance: A Step-by-Step Guide

Making the transition and healing from chronic dissonance is a gradual journey. Reaching resonance takes time, practice, and patience. Here are steps that many healing paths share:

1. Acknowledge Dissonance’s Tricks

• Stored trauma can distort your perceptions, creating a sense of unsafety even when none exists.

• Recognizing this distortion can feel unsettling but also liberating. It’s an essential first step toward rebuilding trust in yourself and the world.

• Acknowledge that your feelings, while valid, might not always reflect the reality of your environment. This awareness creates space for new, helpful ways of relating to your experiences.

2. Explore Biochemical Support

• Trauma can leave the nervous system so dysregulated that biochemical support is necessary to lay a foundation for healing.

• This might include:

  • Medication to stabilize mood or reduce anxiety.

  • Supplements like magnesium, omega-3s, or adaptogens to support nervous system health.

  • Nutritional interventions to balance energy and mood.

• Consult with a medical provider, nutritionist, herbalist, or naturopathic doctor to explore options tailored to your needs.

3. Cultivate Intellectual Discernment

• Until your body learns to regulate, rely on reason and evidence to assess what is truly safe.

• Emotional cues can be unreliable for trauma survivors, so intellect becomes a temporary guide.

• Practice asking: What do I know to be true in this moment? What evidence supports my feelings or contradicts them?

• When this statement is true, practice saying: Even though I feel (scared, nervous, threatened, etc.) I acknowledge that I am safe and ok.

• This step helps protect you while creating a bridge to resonance.

4. Engage in Body-Centered Practices

• Explore practices to help regulate your nervous system and reconnect with your body.

• Options include yoga, breathwork, weightlifting, sports, meditation, or free-form dance. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution—experiment to find what works best for you.

• If resources are limited, platforms like YouTube offer free movement and mindfulness tutorials.

• Approach these practices with humor and curiosity, starting gently and building over time.

5. Learn to Listen to Your Body

• Over time, tune into your body’s rhythms and signals.

• Notice your energy levels, tension, and the need for rest or movement as they fluctuate day to day.

• Aligning with your body’s natural needs reduces unnecessary stress and strengthens your relationship with yourself.

• Ask yourself regularly: What does my body need right now, and how can I honor that?

6. Seek Community and Connection

• Resonance is often amplified in connection with others.

• Start small: look for Meet-Up groups, engage in hobbies with others, find a group that aligns with your culture, or explore support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics.

• If social anxiety or lack of access is a barrier, focus on building internal trust first. Then, take small steps toward connection when ready.

• Community can take many forms—there’s no “right way.” What matters is finding a space where you feel secure enough and seen.

7. Integrate Slowly

• Healing is not a race. Rushing can destabilize progress, much like tightening a complex knot rather than loosening it or toppling your Jenga tower by pulling blocks out too fast.

• Take consistent, deliberate steps toward resonance, allowing shifts to occur naturally over time.

• Celebrate small wins and remind yourself that lasting change is built on patience and care.

• Healing isn’t linear—expect ups and downs, and trust the process as it unfolds.

Resolving chronic, inappropriate dissonance and moving into resonance requires courage, curiosity, and persistence. Slowly over time, you create a foundation of trust in yourself and the world, allowing the flow of connection, safety, and intentionality to emerge.

Imagine this process like music. In the beginning, the dissonance may feel overwhelming, like clashing notes that make you wince. But with curiosity and persistence, those notes can begin to resolve into harmony, creating a balance that feels natural and right. Even moments of appropriate dissonance—when life calls for adjustment—can add depth and texture, enriching the overall composition of your experience and guiding you to resolution.

Resonance is a feeling that comes from the shift from disconnection to connection, from isolation to belonging. For trauma survivors no longer living in dangerous circumstances, it offers a path to rediscovering trust—in yourself, in others, and in the world. By moving slowly, exploring with curiosity, and nurturing your capacity for connection, you can compose a life where resonance becomes an attainable and life-affirming way of being.

Resonance is a learnable skill, attainable through steady practice and curiosity.