The Hidden Cost of Misplaced Positivity

Well-intentioned people often advise us to "think happy thoughts" when they see us feeling down. While this advice might be helpful for those whose pain is a temporary hiccup in an otherwise positive or neutral emotional landscape, it can have the opposite effect for trauma survivors. For them, such advice often deepens the trigger because it feels short-sighted and invalidating. Positive affirmations are inappropriate for many who still need to process their past trauma.

Meet John, A Complex Trauma Survivor

John (a composite person) grew up in a world where his every move was dictated by emotionally immature parents and the rigid confines of a high-demand religion.  From a young age, John was molded to fit a specific image—one that left no room for his authentic self to emerge. Emotions were discouraged, seen as a sign of spiritual failure, and strict gender roles dominated his upbringing. Anything that didn’t align with this narrow path was swiftly shut down.

For years, John went through the motions, participating in traditionally masculine activities he had little interest in, all to maintain the facade his family and community expected. But deep down, a quiet rebellion stirred. He knew something wasn’t right.

When John finally mustered the courage to break free, it wasn’t easy. His departure left his family and community bewildered and hurt. They didn’t know how to interact with this new version of John, the one who no longer fit neatly into the box they had placed him in. To them, he seemed like a stranger.

In search of a new life, John entered the “normal” world. He enrolled in a regular university, secured a corporate job, and set out to discover what it meant to be “normal.” On the surface, he managed to fit in. His colleagues liked him, admired his work ethic, and frequently praised his contributions but he also seemed down and hard on himself sometimes. “Cheer up!” they’d say. “It’s not so bad. You’re a wonderful person, John. You’re such a hard worker, a great team player, and it’s clear you’re going places!”

But beneath the surface, John felt like a fraud. While he appreciated the kind words, they didn’t resonate with the internal turmoil he faced daily. Despite his accomplishments, bouts of fear and depression would strike out of nowhere, leaving him confused and overwhelmed. His friends and colleagues, unaware of the deep scars left by his past, couldn’t grasp the weight of what he was dealing with. They wanted to help but didn’t understand the full picture.

The well-intentioned positivity John received often left him feeling worse. He believed the good things people said about him, but a nagging voice inside insisted that he was weak, flawed, and somehow bad. This internal conflict became a constant battle—one that many people who’ve endured similar experiences can relate to.

The Turning Point

Eventually, John reached a breaking point. The gap between who he appeared to be on the outside and who he felt he was on the inside became too wide to bear. He realized he needed more than kind words and external validation; he needed to address the deep belief that he was inherently "bad."

John sought holistic therapy, which resonated with him because it addressed the whole person—mind, body, and spirit. Through somatic therapy, he learned to release the tension and fear trapped in his body, which had been reinforcing his belief that he was bad. Experiential therapy helped him visualize how his mind works and express long-suppressed emotions, while existential psychotherapy allowed him to redefine his own take on life, independent of the rigid roles he had been forced into.

As John worked through these therapies, he noticed a significant shift. The depression and fear that once seemed to strike from nowhere began to dissipate. He started to see himself not as a flawed individual but as someone on a journey of healing and self-discovery. John’s story reminds us that true healing requires addressing the deeper layers of our experience.

Key Takeaways from John’s Journey:

Surface Positivity Isn't Enough: While positive affirmations and external validation can provide temporary comfort, they often fail to address the embodied, deep-rooted beliefs and emotional wounds that stem from complex trauma. True healing requires looking beyond the surface and understanding the full body-mind-spirit impact of someone's experiences.

The Pain Needs to Be Seen: In our culture, it can feel counterintuitive to acknowledge that pain is the path to healing. Often, it takes expert insight to distinguish between defensive pain and the underlying, "real" pain. Once this real pain is witnessed, accepted, and validated, the person can finally feel resolved and empowered to choose a new direction.

Holistic Healing Addresses the Whole Person: John’s story highlights the importance of a holistic approach to healing. By integrating mind, body, and spirit through therapies like somatic work, experiential activities, and existential exploration, John was able to confront and release the deep-seated belief that he was inherently "bad."

The Body Remembers Trauma: John's experience demonstrates how trauma isn't just stored in the mind—it’s also held in the body. Through somatic therapy, he learned to listen to his body’s signals and release the physical tension associated with his emotional pain, leading to profound shifts in his mental and emotional well-being.

Discovering Self-Worth: One of the most powerful aspects of John’s healing journey was his ability to discover his sense of self-worth by discovering values that resonate with him and developing his personal philosophy on life. By disentangling his identity from the rigid roles and beliefs imposed on him, he was able to reclaim his value on his own terms, paving the way for genuine self-acceptance and growth.

Got it! But I still want to help my friend. What can I do?

I get it. You want to help your peer because you care deeply about them and want to see them feel secure and positive about themselves. You might even fear the impact their negative outlook could have on their life.

It can feel urgent as an outsider, and you may be tempted to try to fix it immediately. However, it's important to remember that this person has gotten this far with their current belief system. While it's true that a more realistic outlook would benefit them, the path to that change is often counterintuitive.

Here’s a example of a step-by-step process to help a struggling peer feel seen, heard, and understood when they express a nagging, unhelpful belief:

1. Listen Actively: Give your full attention to your peer. Make eye contact, nod, and show that you’re fully present. Let them speak without interrupting or immediately offering solutions.

2. Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their emotions by saying something like, "It sounds like you're really struggling with this," or "I can see how much this belief is affecting you." Consider using contact statements which are short phrases that indicate you heard what the person just said: “so sad, yeah?,” “You feel really stuck,” “it’s so frustrating to you how long this has gone on.” This helps them feel understood and supported which is often all someone really needs.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions: If it feels right, gently explore their belief by asking open-ended questions like, "Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?" or "When did you first start feeling like this?" This encourages them to reflect and share more deeply. Often you do not need to do this step because contact statements act like open ended questions.

4. Reflect Back What You Hear: Paraphrase what they’ve shared to show that you’re truly listening. For example, "I can see that you know you are objectively good enough but it never really feels like that on the inside. How confusing!"

This approach reinforces that you’re engaged and understanding their experience. It also gives the person an opportunity to correct you if you didn’t hear it correctly the first time. If you missed something, correct yourself without defensiveness. This demonstrates openness, flexibility, and a genuine eagerness to truly understand the speaker.

5. Offer Empathy, Not Solutions: Resist the urge to fix the problem. Instead, put your self in their shoes, feel their pain a little, and express empathy: "That must be really tough to carry around." Empathy helps them feel less alone in their struggle.

6. Encourage Self-Compassion Perhaps: After offering some validating statements, reflections, summaries, and plenty of empathy, the person may finally be open to a suggestion. Gently suggest they be kind to themselves for example. You might say, "It’s understandable to feel this way given what you’ve been through. What would it look like if you were kinder to yourself about this?"

If you offer a suggestion before thoroughly validating, even if they seem to accept it, they are likely not truly receiving it. Instead, they may be going through the motions of people-pleasing just to end what has become an invalidating conversation.

7. Check In: After the conversation, follow up to show ongoing support. A simple message like, "I’m still thinking about our conversation—how are you doing?" can go a long way in making them feel valued and cared for.

This approach helps your peer feel truly seen, heard, and understood, which is often more impactful than trying to immediately change their belief or offer advice.

What’s New at Prosopon

It’s been a wild month here at Prosopon! We are pausing on social media posting and blog writing. Here is why:

• We just took over an eight office suite at the celebrated 100 Arapahoe Ave office park. This park is home to dozens of dedicated and veteran therapists in Boulder. We needed four new renters to cover the cost and got three in place within 3 weeks! Renting out this many offices this quickly is highly unusual we are told.

• Liz started teaching at Naropa on September 3rd. She created a course on Nervous System Modulation in collaboration with both founding and more recent faculty members of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute. Pat Ogden herself also provided her input and videos of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy in action to show to the class. The first class was met with strong engagement and enthusiasm from the students.

• This month we are wrapping up another wonderful Sensorimotor Psychotherapy level 1 training in Denver. Onward to level 2!

• Liz has taking on two new supervisees and is now full with a caseload that includes three supervisees. She is in progress on the 45-hour Advanced Clinical Supervisor Training with the Noeticus Institute. This is indeed a time of learning for all.

Hopes, Fears, and Salves

Hopes

• That we get through the work of stabilization and move into more of a maintenance mode soon.

• That we fill our last office next week.

• That we have some fun along the way!

Fears

• That the intensive hard work never ends.

• That somehow we run out of luck and the office does not fill.

• That we will be crushed under the burden of responsibility.

Salves

• The light at the end of the tunnel is clearly here. We have a solid stabilization plan that is unfolding beautifully.

• Interest in the office is consistent and ongoing. As the fall commences and people get back to their routines, we anticipate more interest, not less.

• We have spouses, friends, fur babies, and children who remind us to stay in connection with what truly matters in life: our close loving relationships.