The Power of Silent Boundaries

In relationships boundaries are essential for maintaining peace and protecting our emotional well-being. But not all boundaries need to be spoken. Some of the most powerful ones are the silent boundaries we hold within ourselves.

First, what is a boundary? How do I know I have one?

A boundary is like a personal rule or guideline I have for how I treat myself and others.

I know what my boundaries are based on what makes me feel regulated emotionally. 

I know that I or someone else has crossed a boundary because I get emotionally activated.

A list of boundaries might be something like:

• I aim for bedtime at 9:30

• I do the hardest thing on my list first

• I deal with others directly and with compassion

• I get my alone time everyday

• I leave conversations and situations that I find unethical or unhelpful

• I make requests in relationships to advocate for my needs

• I end relationships where self advocacy is unavailable

Our list of boundaries comes from a sense of “what I like and don't like,” but it's deeper than liking and not liking.  Rather, when it feels like I “like” something, it's actually that it regulates my nervous system, it helps me live the life I want, and that is why it feels good.

“What about addiction?” you might ask, “don't addicts love their drug of choice?” Say I love alcohol and my boundary is that I have 3 drinks everyday. That works for a while but then I might start to hate the hangover. I start to realize that I like waking up refreshed more than I like being drunk, so I set boundaries around drinking so I can have the more likable thing. This is an oversimplified ideal, but you get the point. Ideally I become healthy enough to assess the more pleasurable option in the long run and I pursue it.

Back to Silent Boundaries…

Now that I’ve explained a little bit about what boundaries are, let me share a story about a couple I’ll call Brynn and Antonia.

Brynn is deeply enmeshed in her family’s dynamic. She loves them, but her partner, Antonia, often feels like Brynn’s family is prioritized over her, especially when they go on vacations together. The family tends to dominate their time, and conversations often get intense or uncomfortable.

Antonia knows that directly confronting Brynn or her family about this would likely escalate things. It would make Brynn feel caught in the middle and defensive, leaving Antonia feeling even more isolated. So instead of speaking up, Antonia decides to create silent boundaries.

When they vacation with Brynn’s family, Antonia quietly sets up her own itinerary for half of the time. She ensures she has personal time for herself, pursuing her own interests, whether it’s exploring a new place, relaxing, or enjoying activities she finds fulfilling.

When the conversations with the in-laws start to feel off or uncomfortable, Antonia simply excuses herself. She doesn’t explain her choices or allow herself to get drawn into their emotional dynamics. By stepping away from the patterns Brynn’s family is used to, Antonia maintains her silent boundary.

Ideally, Brynn would recognize her own power in the situation and create more space for both herself and Antonia in the family dynamic. But Brynn isn’t ready for that yet. So, Antonia relies on her silent boundary—one crafted in such a way that it reduces resentment. By fully facing the reality of the situation, Antonia gives Brynn the space and trust she needs to come to the realization that Antonia isn’t fully getting her needs met in the family context.

In the meantime, Antonia meets her own needs without forcing Brynn to do so. She doesn’t push, doesn’t demand, and doesn’t set ultimatums. Instead, she prioritizes her peace and continues to enjoy her relationship. If the situation becomes untenable for her, Antonia knows she can leave, but for now, the silent boundary is working. It’s the right choice for her situation at this moment.

The Take Aways:

Setting silent boundaries often involves grieving an ideal we had for certain relationships, whether that’s with a partner, parent, sibling, or friend. We must face the reality of the situation, take stock of our own needs and priorities, and figure out what needs to happen so we can get our needs met.

"Shoulding" a situation won’t make it so. Facing reality can be hard and sad, but it’s the fastest way to arrive at the decisions we need for our well-being. When we assess the situation and recognize that directness, which is the ideal mode of relating when possible, is not available or wise, we can rely on silent boundaries. This allows us to meet our needs without wasting energy on those who aren’t ready to relate to us in a mature, direct way.

I believe that boundaries are rules we have for ourselves, not rules we have for others. Antonia doesn’t demand change from Brynn or her family; instead, she creates change by protecting her own energy and well-being.

What’s New At Prosopon

• Welcome Lauren! We have hired a new psychotherapy clinician here at Prosopon. Lauren’s background includes a Doctorate in Ayurveda and years of experience in the holistic treatment of addiction which aligns well with the Prosopon mission to end the schism between physical and psychological treatment. You can read more about Lauren on the Prosopon Website.

• Welcome New Website! That’s right. We have a brand new website that is more client centered. Liz took a deep dive into marketing and learned how to write from the clients point of view rather than from the clinicians.

• Gabby completed level one of the Emotionally Focused Therapy training for couples counseling! We get so excited when one of our clinicians gets to expand through good training.

• We are already almost half way through teaching the Resilient Body Mind. Time flies when you’re learning and having fun.

• The changing of hands of Suite 9 over to Prosopon is complete and we have a beautiful new waiting room to show for it:

Hopes, Fears, and Salves

Hopes

• The new normal sets in after a sea change we complete our journey to calmer shores

• That we find clarity on what is and isn’t our responsibility, and learn to act accordingly

• That we stay connected to our sense of “knowing” always working to refine our relationship to wisdom

Fears

• That the intensity will stay high or increase, overwhelming our feelings of hope and motivation to stay on path

• That clarity is ever elusive and we are doomed to endless, soul draining drama

• That the “knowing” will abandon us, thrusting us into painful, confusing darkness

Salves

• Life ebbs and flows. Periods of rest follow periods of intensity… and the cycle begins again

• Clarity is attainable and we have thousands of years of thinkers, sages, and saints who whisper that clarity to us through the gift of their writing and art

• When I loose access to the “knowing,” it is because I forgot, not that I’ve been abandoned. We are standing neck deep in a river of love and must periodically remember to lower our mouths to drink.