The Surprising Third Option

Orienting Toward the Good Without Denying the Bad

One of the most important skills in healing is learning how to face what is painful without losing sight of what is good. Many people struggle with this balance. Some avoid hard emotions and call it growth. Others avoid good things out of fear or guilt. Both patterns create suffering.

What Is Emotional Bypassing?

Emotional bypassing happens when we try to skip over discomfort by pretending everything is fine. We might suppress anger, grief, or fear because we believe it makes us weak or unlovable. Over time, this disconnects us from ourselves and from the truth of our experience.

Some people learn this early. Maybe they were told to “stop crying” or felt punished for being sad. Others grew up around toxic positivity, trauma, or spiritual teachings that confused numbness with strength. Whatever the cause, the result is the same: a flattened emotional life that leaves little room for true connection.

Avoiding the Good Is Also a Pattern

On the flip side, some people avoid joy. They might feel undeserving, or fear that if they feel too good, something bad will happen. They might have learned that pleasure is selfish or that hope leads to disappointment. These beliefs often form quietly, as a way to stay safe in an unpredictable world.

But avoiding the good is just another form of protection. It keeps people stuck in a loop where satisfaction is always out of reach. Gay Hendrix addresses this issue in his book The Big Leap.

The Real Work aka “The Third Option”

Healing requires us to feel our emotions, not analyze or override them. This means noticing what is actually happening inside and giving ourselves permission to respond honestly. Once we feel the truth, we can choose how to act based on what we value, not what we fear.

This approach does not mean pretending things are fine. It also does not mean collapsing into despair. It means learning to hold both pain and possibility at once. That is emotional maturity. That is what makes us whole.

How to Metabolize an Emotion

The truth is it usually takes 90 seconds to 5 minutes to metabolize an emotion. You may need professional support to do this the first time, but here’s how it’s done. Give it a try. It will not injure you.

1. Drop the Story: Whatever story you have about the feeling, like “That was so mean, what she did,” etcetera…let it go. Also let go of emotion words (e.g., anxious, sad, angry). These are stories too. When I say I am anxious, what I actually mean is there are sensations in my body that I call anxious. So, just name the sensations: tense in my chest, burning in my belly, shallow breathing. You can find a somatic word list here.

2. Sit With the Feeling: Take a little tour around the sensations for 1.5 to 5 minutes. You may notice a part of you trying to escape. Just notice that too, and return to sensation. Someone told me recently, “This is like a yucky meditation.” They are absolutely correct. No matter the thoughts or images that emerge in the mind, return again and again to the sensations in the body. You can say the sensation words: buzzy, hot, shallow, hollow, metallic, etc. But stay away from emotion, judgmental, and story words.

3. Notice the Difference: How do you feel at the end of the time? Did your inner experience become more pleasant, less pleasant, or stay the same? Just notice. If you feel less pleasant, go ahead and implement a regulation technique like looking around the room while turning your head on your neck, breathing by focusing on your exhales and allowing your inhales to be soft and easy, or standing up, stretching, and moving.

Great job! You just metabolized an emotion without suppressing or escaping it. That’s no small thing. With practice, this sequence can become a tried and true companion for a more balanced and pleasurable life.

A Story

Chen grew up around suffering. Their parents worked in war zones and refugee camps. Chen saw hunger and grief up close. They learned early to hide their own pain and focus on others. Feeling became a liability.

As an adult, Chen was thoughtful and insightful but struggled with intimacy. Relationships often ended with confusion. Something felt missing, but they could not name it. In therapy, they began to realize how much of their emotional life had been locked away.

At first, feeling emotions felt dangerous. Their body ached with old grief. But they kept going. They learned that their pain was real. They learned that joy was not selfish. Over time, they could share openly, love more deeply, and stay connected during hard moments.

That was the turning point. Real strength was not in staying detached. It was in allowing themselves to feel.

Reflection

Do you avoid negative emotions, positive ones, or both? What would it mean to feel more fully, without needing to fix or escape?

If any of this hits close to home, you’re not alone. Most people weren’t taught how to feel without getting overwhelmed or shutting down. But you can learn. You don’t have to get it perfect. Just start by noticing what’s actually happening inside you, without spinning a story. Let it be simple. Let it be real. Over time, that choice repeated again and again is what builds a life that feels solid and good, even when things are hard.

Warmly,

Liz

Owner of Prosopon Therapy